Sundays are Stressful

Does anyone else have an intense dislike of Sundays? Am I alone in this?

Here I am...Sunday morning at 9 am, and I'm already filled with anxiety and I'm tumbling down the stress spiral. I've made so much progress in dealing with my anxiety, but this old, thick, harden wire in my brain, Sundays = Stress, still remains. 

Why? I don't know. My therapist and I are trying to sort it out. 

I feel like I have too much to do today. I'm angry and sad that I don't have time to relax. I'm afraid I won't get everything done today. I feel like I don't have time during the week, so I have to do it now.

I know it is not a fear of Mondays- or at least not one I recognize- I love my job. I work with great people, and my job is only occasionally stressful. I've also had my hatred of Sundays long before my present job.

It might be a transition issue. Transitions are a common obstacle in feeling safe and secure, and I struggle with them too. Transitioning from the weekend to the week is a fairly big transition.

It might be my unreasonable expectations. I'm probably attempting to accomplish too much on Sundays. 

It might be my introverted personality. While I enjoy my job and my co-workers, I would still rather be in the safety of my own home. Away from people. Away from interruptions to my routine. 

Steps I am taking: 

• Acknowledgement- Sunday stress is a problem. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I want to enjoy my Sundays, and I currently do not.
• Self-Awareness- I'm paying attention to when the anxiety is showing up. I'm feeling it and showing compassion for it. I'm observing it (the first step in science!).
• Bullet Journal- I often ignore my Bujo on the weekend. I'm trying to use it more as it provides me comfort.

Do you struggle with anxiety or stress, or something else, on Sundays? Advice? You can comment below, or you can fill out the contact form in the sidebar if you don't want to share publically.

Thanks for Listening

This post is entirely unplanned and I have no idea where I’m going with this. My anxiety symptoms are acting up and I just want to chat. Unfortunately, it’s 6am on a Saturday and no one I know is probably awake and/or interested in chatting. I’m not even sure what I would say anyway.

I don’t think there are any major things that are bothering me. Actually, maybe it is best that I don’t talk to someone. When I say that I’m feeling anxious, people always ask “what’s wrong?” or expect to get a concrete thing they can jump in and give advice on. The truth is often I don’t know. It’s an irrational feeling. It’s all the little things. It’s this tense feeling of my body. The internal vibrations. The worry about dozens of small things. The inability to turn my mind off. The worrying about all the worry. The worry that I’m reverting to my old habits now that I’ve reduced my medication. The feeling of wanting to cry for no reason.

I tried Googling anxiety chats. They are out there, but I saw lots of anxiety sites recommending against them because they attract abusers. Also, I don’t really want to talk about anxiety per se. I’m not really that bad right now. I just feel off and want to chat with someone who understands that. I tried finding a Slack community- no luck on that either.

Someday, I want to have something like that for this site. A place for nerdy, enthusiastic, introverted people who are focused on self-care and personal growth. I blog to make connections, so I feel this would be the ultimate success. I’d make a Slack channel right now, but my sporadic posting has dragged down my readership, and I doubt I get many interested parties (aside from my two besties who support all of my endeavors, bless their hearts).

Today’s plan involves a lot of mental health-related tasks. I have homework for one of my therapy classes, and my therapist also instructed me to reevaluate my to-do list and how I prioritize. I’m hoping to spend a lot of time in my bullet journal in contemplative reflection mode. Will I stick with the plan or get distracted by household tasks and things that my mind decides are more “important”? They won’t be more important, of course, they’ll just feel more urgent and necessary. Things I should do because it is what I’m supposed to do.

Well. I feel a little bit better now. Maybe enough to glance at my to-do list and see if I can knock off a task now. Or maybe eat breakfast.

Thanks for listening!

One Step Back

For five days now, things have sucked. Not my life, my life is going pretty well right now. My experience of that life, however, doesn't match. 

A week ago, I was feeling fantastic. I'd been making great progress. I had an emotional breakthrough. I was confident in the changes that I was making, so confident that I asked my doctor if we could reduce my anti-depressant medication, and I started blogging again - about self-care, no less.

I had forgotten how much it sucked when I came off of my anxiety medications. While this shouldn't be quite as bad and should be much shorter, it kind of makes me regret lowering the dose. Of course, in a few weeks from now, when I've recovered, I'll be happy and proud to have reduced my meds again.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself. That was my experience coming off my anxiety drugs. After the awful withdrawal, I bounced back and was even happier than before. I think this will be true this time. There is a nagging doubt though lurking in the back of my mind. 

My discontinuation symptoms (it's not technically withdrawal since it's a non-habit-forming drug) have mostly been related to my energy levels. I'M SO SO EXHAUSTED. Being tired sounds like such an easy-to-deal-with symptom. It's not. It's really challenging to deal with. It's intense. And it affects everything I do. I can't focus on anything. I can't make decisions. Cooking dinner tonight took all the motivation I could summon. I can't get anything accomplished either because I have no energy to, so I'm even more anxious about not being productive. UGH. My heart rate is up too. I took a self-care day yesterday, and it helped a bit. For me, a self-care day does not involve the couch, pyjamas and Netflix. It involved waking up early, getting ready like I normally do, exercising, eating 7 servings of fruits and veggies and drinking plenty of water throughout the day, having a warm lunch (soup), getting some sunshine, two power naps, CLEANING and planning in my journal. Why cleaning? Because a huge aspect of self-care is your environment. I neatened up, cleaned the bathroom and opened a window to let a nice breeze in. Yes, it was a lot of work considering my low energy, and I had to relax after, but it made me feel accomplished and it made my environment nicer, both important aspects of self-care. I also went to bed earlier, getting a bit more sleep than I usually do.

All that led to a decent evening last night, and a somewhat normal morning today. However, my job is fairly physical, so I crashed quickly after lunch.

I've struggled with keeping certain parts of my normal routine. I'm completely unmotivated. I just want to nap. But, this will pass and I will go back to making progress again soon.

I'm sharing this because it is part of my recovery experience. A bad day, or in this case several days, does not mean I have stopped recovering or reverted to my old ways. It's part of the process. All I can do is accept it for what it is. 

Blog Refresh

Howdy!

Over the past couple years I have made some substantial changes in my life, most related to self care, wellness and mental health.

A couple of years ago, I was dealing with anxiety and depression, which had actually manifested itself physically and was impacting my heart (scary!). At the time, I didn't think my issues were as severe as they were, nor did I appreciate the effect they were having on my physical health. At my primary care physician's insistence I began to put my effort towards improving my mental well being. At first, it was hard. I didn't have enough energy and motivation to make all the necessary changes immediately. But the baby steps I started with snowballed into big changes in the way I think and view life.

I feel amazing. I'm still working hard towards improving my well being, but I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far. I'm more organized, relaxed, confident and happy. Most importantly, I'm able to recover from negative events much quicker. I don't get stuck in a stress response (a funk) like I used to.

A few times now, my wellness coaches and providers (I've assembled a small team, as I took advantage of all the resources available to me. I'm only a lab tech, so my pay is pretty low. There are a wealth of affordable resources out there if you look!), have suggested that I share my enthusiasm and passion for wellness and self care. Not only as a way to help others, but also to help me maintain that motivation. I've been told my strengths lie with how I go about my changes mindfully and with intention. 

Well, I'm super excited because I've decided to take their advice, and share what has worked for me here on my blog. I value personal growth, learning, teaching and mentoring. This is the perfect space to do just that. I would LOVE feedback. Let me know what topics you are interested in. I want to explore new areas of self care and wellness with you, not just talk about that I did. You are encouraged to contact me to share what had worked for you, your story and what you struggle with. You can get a hold of me on Twitter @crazycatnerd.