Journal Post: The Tides of My Depression

TW: depression

Honestly, this post is for me not you, lovely reader. I’m deeply grateful for you being here, and I want you to continue reading. However, I need to warn you that I’m not really trying to convey anything helpful or beneficial for you in this post. This post is to get me writing in an attempt to gain some momentum. I haven’t written in a while so I challenged myself to write a post today.

I’m doing another one of these journal-style posts because I’m struggling to get my other ideas completed and formatted. Depression has had a firm grip on my life these past few months and I find it difficult to manifest enough enthusiasm or energy for most activities. All of my energy has been dedicated to maintaining a functioning household and fulfilling all my responsibilities at work.

I was hesitant to write up this post for fear of judgement. While I talk pretty openly about mental health and self-care, I think it is very hard for some people to understand depression if they have no experience with it. I think it makes them uncomfortable, or they view the discussion around it as “negative”. I’m also very aware that I tend to be a complainer and can come off a bit whiny, even when I’m not actually complaining. I often feel misunderstood (not a complaint- an observation!) and like I’m not communicating effectively. I’m afraid it will sound like I want sympathy (I really don’t) or like I’m just trying to make an excuse (it’s more than that). I also do not wish to come off as dramatic (I would prefer to be drama-free). I often feel like when I’m excusing myself from things due to depression that I’m going to come off as lazy. In reality, I’ve been fairly proud of what I’ve managed to accomplish recently despite my low energy levels and motivation. 

Despite my fears, I think it’s important to normalize the discussion about mental health, depression, anxiety and other issues and disorders. Talking about it more openly allows people who haven’t experienced it to become more comfortable with the topic.

A Bit About What Depression Feels like to Me 

Depression is different for everyone and I can only speak about my experience. Depression is often associated with intense sadness, heavy emotions, crying, sleeping, not being able to get out of bed and suicidal thoughts. Those can all most definitely be present, but there are more ways it manifests and not everyone experiences all of those things.

I didn’t realize I had depression until my primary care physician diagnosed me due to physical symptoms I was experiencing. I think having undiagnosed depression, especially persistent depressive disorder, is probably quite common. At the time, I didn’t think the magnitude of what I was experiencing was enough classical symptoms to be considered depression- it hadn’t crossed my mind.

I compare my depression to the ocean tides. Normally, it drifts in and drifts back out. The water level may be higher sometimes and lower other times. What I mean is sometimes when my depression arrives it’s very mild and other times it is much more noticeable. When it leaves, I know it will return, it always comes back. I don’t always notice when it’s approaching and I’m not sure what triggers it. It just slides in and slides out. I’ve recently learned that I have “persistent depressive disorder” which means I have a low-grade depression that doesn’t really fade, just varies in intensity.

Sometimes, storms arrive (back to tides & the ocean here) and cause surges of depression. These “storm surges” are real-life events and issues (death of a relative, being overwhelmed by work, sickness, pandemics, political situations, all kinds of things really) that trigger a wave of major depression. These are much more noticeable for me and the symptoms are much more intense.

For me, depression doesn’t involve intense sadness. There’s some sadness, but mostly I feel tired of everything. When it is mild, I feel disinterested and unsatisfied. I have a hard time finding joy in things I usually find joy in. When it’s a bit towards the moderate intensity, I describe the feeling as “empty” or “numb”. I often feel like I want to cry, but I don’t. The emotions aren’t there. At the height of my depressive episodes, I feel hopeless and apathetic. I have a “why bother” and “what’s the point” sort of attitude toward everything. I feel tired and miserable, but I don’t know why.

I still function okay when I’m depressed, thankfully. Other people are not as lucky. Sometimes getting out of bed takes an immense amount of willpower, but I am able to do it. I don’t have to call in sick to work either, and I’m able to do my job fine. It takes all my effort, but I can do it. However, I don’t feel like myself. I feel exhausted- mentally, emotionally and physically. 

I’m normally quite passionate and enthusiastic about lots of things. I have lots of hobbies and interests, and when I’m not depressed, I’m as excitable as a puppy over small things...like free cookies or puns. I have a strong playful childlike side to my personality that makes me adore Disney World and dressing up my stuffed bear. I love Tamagotchis (you know, the egg-shaped virtual pets that were big in the 90s) and collect stickers.

When I’m depressed that side fades, sometimes almost entirely.

What I am Doing About It

While I’ve been on medication previously and have been to therapy before, I had been trying to manage my depression with self-care and accumulating a lot of coping tools such as mindfulness, self-compassion, stress resiliency, etc…

Unfortunately, my current wave of depression is the most severe I have experienced, so I recently went back on medication. I’ve also begun seeing a new therapist. 

In addition to those significant actions, I’ve also:

• Acknowledged it, labeled it and told people about it

• Started tracking my mood and symptoms

• Drastically reduced the amount of items on my to-do list

• Made self-care even more of a focus, but changed the way I go about it

• Tried to actively evaluate my expectations for myself, so I can try to create reasonable ones

Medication

I’m only just over three weeks into my medication, and I also had a gradual stepping up of the dosage. For the first couple of weeks, I experienced intense side effects that were pretty unpleasant. My energy would completely tank suddenly. I was yawning all the time. I had a lot of digestive upset, a bit of nausea and some dry mouth. Gradually, the symptoms are fading and I feel significantly better physically.

Unfortunately, the medication will take a bit longer to have an impact on my brain and it can be up to six weeks before I see significant changes. I think I’m already experiencing some improvement, but things aren’t linear...I have bad days and better days. It seems like I am having better days more often now, but it’s hard to say. 

Upcoming Posts

The posts I am working on include a couple of Sims 4 Batuu related posts, a Walt Disney World restaurants post, and I’d like to go back to doing some self-care posts as self-care is a huge focus in my life right now.

If you’d like more posts like this one in the journal-style, please let me know in the comments. Likewise, if you are interested in more posts about depression, how I’m dealing with it, my current self-care routine, my tracking, etc...I’m interested in sharing more about these topics, but comments may provide the extra motivation I need.

Blog Updates & the New Follow Button

Over the last few months, I’ve made some small tweaks to the site and I plan to continue to do so. I’ve changed the landing page and I’ve been trying to add more ways you can find the content that you are interested in.

I’ve also added a “follow” button on the right where you can sign-up to receive an email notification when I post something new. You know I don’t post often, so it shouldn’t be too many emails! Unfortunately, my site is having issues communicating with Mailchimp and only about 50% of my sign-ups are going through. So if you haven’t received a notification about a post and you’ve already tried signing up, email me using the Contact Form and I can manually add you. I hope to fix the problem soon, but I just haven’t had the energy to do so.

Well, thanks for reading! I appreciate you stopping by and  I sincerely hope you are doing okay and have the support you need.